In today’s conversation, we speak with the board-certified psychiatrist, Dr. Kelly Holes-Lewis, from the Charleston, South Carolina based mental wellness clinic - Modern Minds. Through her extensive clinical work and training, Dr. Holes-Lewis has developed a deep understanding of the healing power of compassion, mindfulness, and positive engagement in our own healing and care. And although these concepts may seem simple, they’re often challenging to find in the world of illness-based medicine. What follows is our conversation on the topic of compassion for both ourselves and others in which Dr. Holes-Lewis shares her insights and practical steps to help us find better balance and meaning in our lives. Learn more at www.modern-minds.com
The Healing Power of Self-Compassion
Kelly Holes-Lewis, M.D.
Introduction: A look within podcast is brought to you by the South Carolina Department of Mental Health - a healthcare organization providing innovative mental health and wellness services across all of South Carolina. Learn more about our services and resources at www.scdmh.net.
In today's conversation we speak with the board certified psychiatrist Dr. Kelly Holes Lewis from the Charleston based mental wellness clinic - Modern Minds. Through her extensive clinical work and training Dr. Holmes Lewis has developed a deep understanding of the healing power of compassion, mindfulness, and positive engagement in our own healing and care. And although these concepts may seem simple they're often challenging to find in the world of illness based medicine. Dr. Holes-Lewis believes that the conscious act of deliberately seeking wellness in all of its forms is always the first step in finding a better path to peace and healing. And when we're open to new possibilities of healing and wellness and ready to learn how to live in the present moment new levels of peace are available to all of us. What follows is our conversation on this topic of compassion for both ourselves and others in which Dr. Holes-Lewis shares her insights and practical steps to help us find better balance and meaning in our lives.
Moderator (M): Dr. Holes-Lewis thanks so much for being here. I always enjoyed talking with you and it's always great to do that and so I'm excited that you'vee come onto the podcast to share some of your thoughts on different things and I figured where we started is you know we had a conversation a while back and you were mentioning about just you know society in general these last several years and kind of this us versus them mentality. What are your thoughts on that in today's world.
Guest (G): Yes and thank you David so much as you know talking with you is one of my favorite things to do as well so I really appreciate this opportunity to talk about these things because it's really on my heart to help people find a way to shift out of that negativity and anger that we're seeing every day. It only takes opening up Facebook or opening up anything on social media and we see the way people are interacting and talking with each other in such a hostile manner even if they don't know each other um or even if they're friends and you know my fear is that we are beginning to develop learn patterns of negativity and sort of like a lack of respect for each other and I feel like that's going in the wrong direction yeah there's such an opportunity.
M: You spoke to me that these learned patterns of negativity and it's hard enough as it is you know just sort of you know moving through and dealing with you know your own challenges and all of that. But then it just sort of have this layer then of negativity on there as well and you're right I think social media and these other things they breathe this sort of impulsivity and kind people project out and you know it's just gets incredibly hurtful.
G: That's exactly right. People are lashing out even to strangers and I think that's likely a manifestation of this tremendous upregulation of stress that we are all feeling every day. Not just the pandemic that brought like so much fear all the health of our loved ones and getting sick and that left financial worries and are we going to be able to take care of our loved ones. I think that led to such an off regulation of stress and of our nervous systems that most of us are walking around in survival mode. Most of us are walking around with this biochemistry of fear coursing through our body and so when given the opportunity to give an opinion or forgive a thought it's coming out in very negative ways everywhere. I mean you hear people getting in fights and standing in line you know because our patience levels are lower but we see it all around us but I do think that we can begin to recognize it and turn this around.
M: What kind of impact does it have?
G: That's a great question and extremely important so we know that this upregulation of stress causes all kinds of biochemical changes in our body. We have increases in cortisol which leads to inflammation. Inflammation is the cornerstone of all chronic diseases so it sets off the pathway for inflammation in all forms that leads to chronic diseases. It also lowers our immune system so when we are fighting for our lives through a pandemic we need our immune systems to be in top shape. But we're not. We're dealing with this stress and we're internalizing all of these things and it is lowering our immune system and so we're more prone to getting sick. So it's not good so that's just the overall sort of skeleton of the medical effects but what it does to us emotionally is makes us feel careful because we've got adrenaline and a noradrenaline and all of these fighter flight hormones coursing through our body. Now we weren't meant to have chronic long-term panic response going on in our body that was never meant to be a chronic process it was meant to be a short term biochemical response to feeling fear that allows our body to kick into gear. All of the necessary things that we need to escape from a predator say for example or to run from somebody in a dark alley or something like that that propels you and gives you all of that energy and shunts the energy to the appropriate parts of our body so that we can run but that's not what's going on now. What's going on now are chronic levels of stress and we as humans weren't meant to or designed to live in chronic levels of stress. And I think that this is where all of the upregulation of so much fear and negativity is coming from because we're all living in that state and it's coming out of us through our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
M: When you say so you're seeing people and it's coming out of us. What does that look like?
G: On an overall sort of global scale what we're seeing is what we started our conversation with which is people just not reacting well or showing up as their best selves. Where people were generally patient and tolerant and kind we're seeing people show up with anger and hatred and negativity and that is leading to even more states of sadness and isolation right because if you were if I react to you in a negative way then I'm creating a distance between us. And so more and more as that's happening people are retreating to being fearful of even saying anything. You can be so connected like when you talk on here virtually or other social media and all that and then I keep hearing about this you know this profound sense of loneliness that being you know and yeah you're mentioning it is it is you know I think one of the most important things that we can remember is that we're all connected as one and that we're here to help each other through life. But this stress and the way things are moving is leading to people being more disconnected and being fearful of saying anything that might offend somebody and get jumped on for saying something that they feel so there is that that whole thing back and forth - that disconnect and that social isolation and we know that social connectedness is one of the most important things that we need to be healthy so it does lead to feeling a profound sadness and loneliness.
M: You mentioned you always talk to me about compassion in our lives, compassion for ourselves just talk a little bit more about that as an overarching sort of thought process.
G: I think that we are at our highest selves when we are caring for others and caring about our own selves as well so compassion and self-compassion go hand in hand. When I know I'm taking care of myself and filling up my own cup I have immensely more compassion to give to the world because we need to fill ourselves up so that we can give to others. And what's interesting about that is that the more I give to others the better I feel and I feel like what the world needs now are people who are willing to recognize the need to be kind to one another and who are willing to work on that process you know. What we know that we are a product of our thoughts feelings and behaviors but at any moment we can recognize where our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors aren't in alignment with who we want to be in any moment. And literally I mean that so there may be a moment that I recognize oh wow that did not what I just felt or what I just said I know that's not in alignment with who I want to show up as in this world. I want to show up in a way that is caring and helping my fellow human or whoever comes before me so it's a recognition and an awareness. First off of how we're thinking feeling and behaving and then saying OK how do I want to be. How is that different than how I want to show up in the world and when we recognize that then we can begin to see what are the barriers to that. Am I struggling with fear that's permeating my thoughts or ruminating on something that I'm worried about with my kids? It can be anything, but when we can sort of begin to address those issues and have a clear intent that we want to show up as our highest selves then we can begin to fill ourselves up and have a true intention and dedication to showing up for other people. And that really bridges that chasm right and it required for so many other higher spiritual principles along the way. So you might be having to interact with somebody that you want to interact with compassion but they've hurt you because of all the things we just said. People are not functioning at their best so you may have to sort of begin to look at forgiveness right and how can I align with forgiveness so that I can show up with compassion yourself because I could see it like with me the more I practice it or at least try to and you know a lot of times I'll fail or whatever but at least there's sort of like I'm in a moment and I can kind of kind of come outside of myself a little bit and sort of see whatever patterns I normally take right you know we all kind of have sort of our patterns that we've learned over years.
M: So how do you can get to that awareness and say oh you know “wake up” and kind of going down that route around again let's not let's try and not go there or let's at least pause for 15 seconds before then you do go down that path but it helps at least I find out when I build off of that I get better at it.
G: That is exactly what we all need to do is just pause and think about how we want to show up. How we want to respond so it's really in that pause. First off and then from there for me and everybody's different I never sort of say oh this is the way to do it. I can only say the millions of times I've tried and failed and found you know little Nuggets that work for me but honestly with each person that comes before me I have to center myself I have to recenter myself and think about what I want to intend, which is showing up fully for that person and their needs. And the way that I do that is I say to myself - this person before me it's just like me I see myself in them all the time so the first step for me is recognizing that I can see myself in almost any human being. And that was a practice that I started many years ago that I've developed over time where I've learned to see myself in any of their person that comes before me so powerful it is so powerful David. I would walk around and I would see people and say “I Am That”, I am that, I am that. And there is no person that we can't find that “I am that” with. We are all connected and there is no human that's better than another human they all just have different experiences so when I can feel connected to a person at that level and that allows me to put myself in their shoes, empathize with what they're going through, sympathize with the pain that they feel, and have a true desire to want to lessen it. And that process has taken a long time to develop.
M: I would imagine it's you know it's ongoing because I know I've been able to do that on some level and you're right I mean it really can help you know I mean and sort of maybe it's not a tangent maybe it is but you know what I found helpful trying to sit with the uncomfortableness of whatever it is so maybe there's a social situation or something happens and it triggers me in some way and I'm about ready to go down that path that I normally go down I try and just uh just sort of sit with that uncomfortable list because I guess what they were telling me is the more you do that kind of the stronger you get with sort of dealing with those feelings or those emotions or whatever and then it allows me to be more aware rather than just react and so I found that kind of what you're saying that's sort of what stuck with me on that yeah and I would add that in that moment I would challenge myself to think in what ways do I see their side of things so it's also opened up my ability to see things from many different sides which has allowed me to learn to be less reactionary .
G: Yes we can say OK I can see why they feel that way I don't necessarily agree with that but I can see why they feel that way from their own perspective I get it and everybody's on a different sort of level and everybody's going through all different kinds of things so just having that under level layer of like everybody is struggling so you know having a baseline level of compassion really helps to reduce that reactionary response that most of the world I think is living through and utilizing because they don't know how to work through all of the stress that we're all living through right?
M: Right yeah and so and this just feels important to me sort of like that process because it seems real practical but profound so there's the initial step is kind of the awareness piece and then it's the forgiveness or am I missing pieces that you're talking about?
G: It's different for every situation honestly. I think that for me, I just try to open my heart to the fact that I could likely feel any way this person is feeling that comes from that “I am that” that I studied for many years whatever feeling any human feels any one of us could feel right? That connectedness of humanity and that helps to know that if I feel something somebody else must have felt that way so it opens my consciousness to say OK I can be open enough to think how this person may be thinking and I just have to sort of sit, allow them to express how they feel with this feeling of sympathy and compassion and understanding. That there's somewhere there that I could relate to that and allowing someone to feel heard and understood and even connected let them feel better and more open and less afraid to share how they feel with others and that sort of has a ripple effect I believe. And I think it brings people together rather than apart. Lack of compassion over time I think leads to a pattern of conflict with others and then that leads to problems with relationships and even careers when we can't see compassion for others. A distance develops that is difficult to bridge and negative emotion continues to grow in that gap but alternatively when we learn how to see the pain in others and even put ourselves in their shoes yeah and feel what they are feeling we can develop a deep sense of sympathy and love for them. And I think that that practice brings us closer with other humans and deepens our relationships with them.
M: Yes and we can begin to understand how they feel and even perhaps why they are reacting or behaving as they are so that's sort of the core in my thinking of why it's important in terms of this piece that you and I have talked about before, which I really loved this helping mind, body, and spirit find better balance in life. Would you talk a little bit more about that and the work you do around that sounds like that's something you're also really passionate about?
G: Yes so when it comes to overall wellness, my own personal definition is when we can find a balance with mind, body, and spirit and we really are you know when we think about humans we think about how we think, feel and behave. And so when we want to make a change, when we want to begin to function as our highest selves and show up as we want to show up in the world and not just show up reacting then we really have to take a look at how can we change. And so I look at that as sort of threefold general categories of mind, body, and spirit and so you know the great Wayne Dyer right he would always say “when you change the way you look at things the things you look at change”. When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change. That means that we can change how we're looking at the same situation even without the situation itself changing we can change our perspective on it. We can change how we think about it. We can change how we process it and things change. We know that that happens at a neurochemical level. We know that that happens with neuronal and neural plasticity when we change how we think our brains actually change. We develop new neural connections through neuroplasticity that change our neuronal patterns and how we think there is more power in that David that I could ever speak on. These are some of the things like the awareness piece, and the “I am that”, and the forgiveness and all of that. I'm guessing that's one of the practical aspects that how we would go about changing how we think yeah it all starts with awareness we have to step back. It all starts with awareness right and that's why mindfulness and meditation and all of these other things that can help you become more in touch with yourself are so important because it all starts with awareness. So I have to be able to see the areas of my life that I feel I need to think differently about rather than getting caught in a constant loop of doing the same thing, thinking the same thing ,acting the same way over and over again. We're programmed. We're creatures of habit so if we want to change something it goes all the way back to starting with awareness and saying oh I don't like how I feel when I do that or when I say that or when I back like that. And then I can say OK how can I change how I think about it? If I can't change anything else about the situation if I can't leave the job, if I can't leave the you know whatever it is, I have to change how I think about it. And for me, it's how can I bring love into the equation either like how can I have more grace for myself which I am notoriously terrible at. So when I find myself reacting in ways I don't want to react in have to step back become aware have some grace for myself that OK maybe you'll get it this time to just keep trying and then think of a more balanced way to think about that. So maybe the thought is let's come up with some scenario - I don't want to argue with so and so or whatever or I think that they don't like me and so I come at something maybe more reactionary. So you just back up and you say OK I don't like when I think about that how true is it? Is it even true or is it just my mind telling me that you know these things are true? And then bringing more balance into it that OK maybe there is some something in that relationship that they don't like me or I don't like them but we can balance that out and come to a more common ground. And what can I do to improve that relationship or understand them better so awareness and then open your consciousness to think about ways to balance that.
You mentioned in terms of how can we change and you talk about first the thinking. Changing how and how powerful you mentioned three categories yeah so mind, body, and spirit. So if I'm feeling very anxious or feeling depressed or something like that when I try to look at what I can do in the realm of my body that's a big one because there's so many things that we can do but we know through research that there are some things that help calm your nervous system and help improve your neurochemistry. So for example, massage right? I can intervene through manipulation of my body with massage we know that massage increases serotonin we know that massage increases dopamine and we know that massage lowers cortisol. Those are all three things that lead to improvement in depression and anxiety. So just through one simple act or treatment we can begin to improve how we feel because of our neurochemistry but there are any things like that. Meditation, mindfulness probably lands somewhere between mind and body because it is being mindful but it's calming your nervous system and there's all kinds of research about how mindfulness and meditation can help calm your nervous system so that you can react the way you want to react instead of out of just a miserable response. We gain control over our responses when we are more in touch with who we are and more in touch with how we want to be and movement alone. We know that like 5 minutes even as little as five minutes of movement can improve our mood can improve how we respond to people how we process our emotions so we've really got to get moving. Remember I used to think I'm like yeah OK right and then remember it was one time I was just so overwhelmed with everything and then I went and somebody said I'll come to this exercise class which I never do and then I went and I remember it's as if like this fog was lifted like all of that stuff you were just mentioning was just released and then all of a sudden I was like I could see things differently. I felt different. I knew some of that was chemical related but it was just there were so many things that I had this different perspective on and I was like wow, I didn't realize you hear about the exercise piece but until I get it I didn't quite get it at that level. The part that you said about you know how it made you think differently I think the whole reason that we undergo or put ourselves through this process of like mind, body, spirit and trying to balance those things is so that we can problem solve differently. Now if you can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it. So what I look at is improving mind, body, and spirit balance as giving me the ability to problem solve and see solutions that weren't previously in my consciousness. It opens up your ability to see things differently and when we see things differently we can problem solve. So when I'm working with my clients who are really struggling like seriously struggling with depression or anxiety or panic the last thing we do is problem solve. That is not a time to problem solve we have to bring the nervous system down. We have to find some balance we have to open up and you know expand our consciousness to thinking about other things and then we can begin to see solutions that weren't there before it's an exercise in futility to try to problem solve when you're in the midst of angst and despair we just can't and so we engage in all of these things to try and help us think more clearly you can just kind of ruminate on it and be like the hamster on the wheel.
M: Yep but sometimes I guess what I'm hearing you say is something as simple as go out for a 2 minute walk or something like that just anything like that has the power to kind of reset yourself to look at it a little bit differently all right you also mentioned a couple of things with the with regards to body and spirit can you just talk a little bit more about those two pieces as well?
G: So one of the other things that we can really do to help our emotional and physical well-being is paying attention into our gut and our nutrition. So what I mean is we have something called a gut microbiome and what that means is like there are trillions of different microorganisms that live in in our gut and we can positively affect that gut microbiome which is a barrier of protection for us by eating healthy foods and even taking a supplement like a probiotic. There are numerous research studies on how a healthy gut microbiome can help your overall wellness, reduce disease processes, and certainly improve brain health. One of the most important things that I'd like to stress to people is that 90% of the serotonin in your body is made in your gut so if you are struggling with depression or anxiety which is mediated through serotonin one of the best things that you can do is also be cognizant of what you're taking in in terms of foods and taking care of your gut microbiome so would be heavy doses of pizza and cheeseburgers be that have the negative effect. I think that's good for your soul occasionally OK that's super good for your soul and I never think of like eliminating you know always think of adding. I'm more of a moderate solution kind of person and adding in healthy things because I think we're not here for a long time on earth so we have to enjoy ourselves and sometimes indulge in the things we love. But eating plant based foods you know and taking a probiotic very simple things - avoiding red meat and there's a very specific scientific reason for that that I won't get into. Eating yogurts and things like that and there's a lot of different things we can do to help work out microbiome that we could always have like another conversation more in detail later but I just want to briefly mention that so that people know there's lots of different things they can do for their body not just movement but for your gut. Mindfulness, meditation, yoga movement all of these things - making sure you're seeing your doctor and lots of things we can do to help our body. And then in terms of like spirit the way I think of this is we are all at our core we all are born with very important spiritual principles that all reside within us. You know like we talked about forgiveness and grace and compassion and love and there's so many others but we are preprogrammed with these beautiful characteristics that are inside of us that we have the ability to tap into. We can tap into them and let them grow so that we can feel our highest selves and I truly believe when we tap into and align with these spiritual principles that they're at the core of all of us. That's when we're functioning at our best both personally and also for everyone else. It helps me to show up for other people when I'm thinking about how I want to be and how I want to show up based on those different spiritual principles.
M: Thanks for that Kelly. Is there anything you'd like to just close out with for our audience as we kind of come to an end with our conversation here today?
G: I would just want to close out with the fact that we're all doing our best and under really challenging situations. This is an unprecedented time in history where we're all living in chronic states of stress that are affecting our mind, body, and our spirit, and our ability to show up in the world. And so I would just say if we can all have a little bit more compassion for each other and see ourselves in each other then that will eventually be rippled throughout the world. If we can just be cognizant of how we want to show up for other people and do our best to do that that will spread throughout the world.
Closing: I'm David Diana, host and producer of, A Look Within: Conversations on Mental Health and Well-being. We want to thank Dr. Holes-Lewis for joining us today and you may learn more about her work and about the modern mines practice at modern-mines.com. And of course we want to thank all of you for listening and hope you'll join us next time.